x * yesterdays.feelings.will.all.be.lost.in.time * x
Mood:  special
Now Playing: the used + yesterdays feelings
okay im going to try and write in here and maybe it wont delete on me like the last 3 times. well the past days i of course spent grounded as usual. maybe it was worth a night. worth the jesus juice thats for sure! i think alot and write a little. i had somethin going for me on my last entry but it deleted so i kinda fucked myself over on that one. i spent all last night on the phone with cayley. shes suppossedly allowed to go on the ski trip if shes well behaved. i dont know what i'd do without her........ oh yeah i do.... i wouldnt go. damnit. well i cant wait til school starts. i miss everyone and i have nothing to do. well besides the fact that my room and my bathroom are a mess! oops. well thats about it 4 now. oh yeah i talked to tdawg for awhile i think shes losing it!
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The used + im a fake

look at me you can tell by the way i move and do my hair
do you think that its me or its not me
i dont even care
im alive i dont smell im the cleanest i have ever been
i feel big i feel tall i feel dry
just look at me now im a fake
do i drink? do i date?
ive got perfect placement
all my ink satisfied in your eyes
im the biggest fan ive got right now
i made sure that i look how i wanted to look
the people around me the people surround me
i feel big i feel tall i feel dry...dry
just look at me now im a fake
my stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace i pray
i beg for anything to hit me in the face and this sickness isnt me
i pray to fall from grace
the last thing i see is feeling, and im telling you im a fake.

would.i.die.for.you.?.well.here's.your.answer.in.spades.
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: my chemical romance hang `em high
i am sooooooooooo bored. grounded until school starts again which is like 8 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have nothing to do but watch degrassi reruns, eat whip cream from the can, and listen to my cds. i am dreaming again... i can't believe it! i actually had a dream! it has been so long. it waws a dream about kyle and chad. mmmmmmmm. k.y.l.e. I wish i wouldnt have fucked that up. he was so-o sexy. but chad. that just hurts. im sooo stupid when im drunk. i pretend like im not but then when i have to make a decision... im all like hahahahhahahahahahahah. damnit. i wish i coulda drank w\ kyle... that wouldve been AWESOME. okay im done.

My CHemical ROmanCE - THANk You FOr tHE Venom
Sister im not much a poet but a criminal.
and you never had a chance.
love it or leave it you cant understand.
a pretty face but you do so carry on.
i wouldnt front the scene if you paid me.
im just the way that the docter made me.
on and on.
love is the red the rose on your coffin door.
what's life like bleeding on the floor?
youll never make me leave.
i wear this on my sleeve.
give me a reason to believe.
so gimme all your poisen.
and gimme all your pills.
and gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill.
youre running after something that youll never kill.
if this is what you want.
then fire at will.
preach all you want but whos gonna save me?
i keep a gun on the book you gave me.
hallelujah lock and load.
black is the kiss the touch of a serpent son.
it aint the mark or the scar that makes you one.
fire at will.

:-_everybodys.watchin.u.breathin.in.your.every.move._-:
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Sugarcult + Over
today was all about surviving, not breaking down. i built myself this thing that follows me around closer than my shadow. Everyone is looking at me like they know everything. what does anyone know? was everyone there? i didnt think so. i found out today i have an appointment on friday to see if ive been having sex and a drug test.... on CHRISTMAS EVE! tell me thats not fucked! why are holidays always the worst. haha this is coming from the girl who couldn't ask for more. i hope you all see how wrong you are about me.

a poem you'll probably laugh your way through or not even read.... by me
-Glass eyes-
When i look through these windows that most call eyes
Nothing around me sparkles
No one around me cares
As my imagination bleeds onto this paper
I fear i'm going to bleed to death
Although i may come to find death as fulfilling
Since i've now experienced everything but
Funny how i've been in this situation so many times before
I'm so emotionless i don't even cry anymore
Is it emotionless or well adapted?
Im thinking it's a little bit of both
Punishment doesn't suit the crime
Forgive me if i waste your time
Because i'm a professional waste of time
No reason to live, no reason to die
No reason to breathe, no reason to cry
Don't let me say good-bye
Just bring your gun and i'll confide
In everyone elses thoughtless lies

-tell.me.its.over.now.i.know.its.over.now-
Mood:  down
Now Playing: sugarcult _ tell me its over now
i am so busted again. me and cay snuck out last night and got caught big time. she lost her cell phone in the snow. i got all the phones in the house taken away and cays not allowed back in my house again. i'm grounded until further notice. then clyde showed up this morning with cayley and felt the need to go raise hell at chads with chad and jut. im so pissed. i didnt wanna go to begin with. i dont even wanna talk about it anymore because the more i do the more i realize that this isnt a dream.

-:-wrap.me.up.in.plastic.cuz.im.feeling.pornographic.now.-:-
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: -:- sugarcult -:- -:- say im sorry -:-
Yesterday me and cay went to the show. it was cool but we left early. we went to the mall and then bilo where the skaters hang and acted like asses. then we got pizza and went back to cayley's. we had a TIME!
there is so much more i want to say..... SO MUCH... but i can't. i have to keep this to myself, even if it kills me. I'll leave you off with something that represents what im feeling:
__________________________________________________
* sic transit gloria...glory fades [brand new] *
keep the noise low she doesnt want to blow it
stripped from head to toe while your left hand does the show me around
quickens your heart beat it beats me straight into the ground
you dont recover from a night like this
our victim still lying in bed completely motionless
a hand moves in the dark to her zipper
hear a boy braced tight against sheets barely whisper
"this is so messed up"

upon arival the guests had all stared
dripping wet and clearly depressed he headed straight for the stairs
no longer cool but a boy in a stitch
unprepared for a life full of lies and a meaningful relationship
(Up the stairs the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up)
he keeps his hands low he doesnt want to blow it
he's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and down
his stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up
but the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up

the fever the focus
the reasons that i had to belive you werent too hard to sell
die young and save yourself!
the tickle the taste of
it used to be the reason i breathed and now its choking me up
die young and save yourself!

she hits the lights this doesnt seem quite fair
despite everything he's learnt from his friends he doesn't feel so prepared
shes breathing quiet and smooth hes gasping for air.
this is the first and last time he says
she fakes a smile and presses her hips into his
he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides
hes holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels.... like

she is the lamb, he is the slaughter
shes moving way to fast and all he wanted was to hold her
nothing that he tells her is realy having an effect
he whispers that he loves her but shes probably only looking for
so much more than he could ever give
a life full o f lies and a meaningful relationship
he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides
he waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside.

-*_-Take.it.back.you've.been.returned._-*-
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: -|- SuGaRcULt -|- + -|- BeAuTiFuL sTaLkEr -|-
today went ok. i slept in til like 7:30 then i was wide awake so my dad took me to school. i came into second period and did nothing. Then in 3/5 mrs. "i told you this class was going to get harder... cackle cackle" moore, decides to give is like 3 fucking writing projects plass that big ass story packet! what a bitch. We saw jodi's mom and dustin's mom on the price is right hahaha. Lunch was so-o funny but mean b\c all of the retards were really obnoxious all period and our whole table was like losing it. the christmas dinner in ghetto line looked like it was breathing. i was even hesitant to eat my chips and zebra cakes. french class was good mostly. we played a game and since im smart i got to be the scorekeeper where everytime i turned my back tiffany shot me one of her infamous glares. 9 was weird. that freaky mr bussel guy came in and talked about some circle thing, cocaine, and he swore alot. im not sure what the purpose of it was but it was better then normal health class. 10 was the same as always, me yelling at zach, jimmy getting stuck in the middle, and mrs solida spitting on people.

i came home and got yelled at because somehow my cell phone bill was 75 dollars over the normal charges. i used up all my minutes for this month and we are only 4 days into this bill ahhhh. oh well looks like im going to have to play super nintendo for entertainment for awhile haha. cays working tonight i dont know whats on for this weekend.

im out bitches.

=-=-=-pardon.me.while.i.burst.-=-=-=
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: -=incubus=- -=pardon me=-
It puzzles me how people act. How am i to know if they are real or fake? If they listen to music that says their heart is broken, is it? if they listen to music that says they cut their wrists, do they? i mean c'mon now, if half the people who listen to "emo" (labels are so-o lame) have it reflect on their lives i'd be surprised. If some of those people actually knew the people who are hurt or live by the edge of the knife, they would make fun of them or socially outcast them. I don't care about all that "poser" bullshit because people only call people names because they can't think of anything else that is wrong with them but, honestly why does everybody pretend to someone else? it gets so old watching the same people pretend their day away.

okay that was just some things on my mind. anyways, today was okay i guess. school went well. i got an A on my bio test (the anxious crowd shouts in unison - FUCKING RIGHT!!!) I left my purse upstairs and i missed my bus while retrieving it. cayley stayed with me, which she later got bitched-out for and i haven't talked to her since. Then we saw the red dragon while waiting for my mom to come pick us up. so cay called jut and he came and chatted to her for a couple minutes. then my mom came and she took us to wendys uuuuuummmmmmmmmm : )D. then i punched cayley in the face for her. we took her home to the cold hard bitch (cayleys mom) then i came her and became very bored.

oh yeah i saw kyle alot today..... yummy!

-\-\-*take.it.back.to.square.one.*-/-/-/
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: )~)~)hellogoodbye(~(~(~)~)~)shimmy shimmy quarter turn(~(~(
Here is yet another one of my infamous weekend reviews.

Friday- I had a very good time. I went to the mall with Tawnia. Cayley didn't go, she was too busy making some big daddy's down at the slave mine a.k.a. fox's. At the mall kyle was there, of course. I bought some beads for semi-formal and a present for jess. Tawnia and I went back to my house afterwords to stay. we watched the new episode of degrassi which was the worst acting I've ever witnessed on that show. then we played guess who and scrabble. we talked some then went to bed. I know it sounds boring but it was fun just hanging out.

Saturday- On the this day was okay. I went to the semi-formal with zach, Cayley, and jimmy. we went to eat & park which sucked ass. then the dance part was okay. we didn't really hang out w\ zach and jimmy that much but now that I think about it I'm glad. oh yeah, before the dance and after we ate we went to the mall. Cayley saw kyle but I didn't. Cayley talked to at the dance and I went with her. Chad was with him. I couldn't even look at him so I didn't. then we went back and danced some more. I got yelled at because I "lost" my 20 dollars. although I still think my date "lost" it for me. I mean he "lost" straw's hoodie for him. I decided after the semi-formal that I don't like zach as a boyfriend at all. After the dance Cayley and I went back to my house to stay. she called Chad's house to talk to justin. Chad answered and talked to her for awhile. he asked to talk to me. he apologized for what happened with us or whatever and I told him I forgave him 3\4ths the way. he also told me I looked really nice at the dance and how he felt bad for what he did when I didn't look at him. I would really like to think he meant everything he said but I'm not that stupid and I know he was drunk.
I don't hate justin anymore. one of his friends laid on the horn and drove by my house.it was pretty funny. then after talking and munching me and Cayley eventually went to sleep.

TODAY- In the morning me and Cayley woke up and rode the go-cart in the snow. it actually worked. that's
cool. then she talked to . we then went to get our pictures from the dance developed. they are freaking hilarious. I went to Cayley's house and we hung and watched some of the steelers game.

{-=-=-{i.couldn't.sleep.last.night.my.ears.were.ringing.in.my.head.}-=-=-}
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: <3*-_-sugarcult-_-*<3 *-_- I changed my name -_-*<3
hey guys it's been awhile. i guess ill go over the past cpl of days real short for yah....
they sucked.
but i did get a 100% on my bio test not counting the bonus so i am very :).

me and zach are better. i cant wait until semi! and since today is technically friday its only 1 more day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didnt go to school today. i needed the sleep. so now i am staying up all night and i dont feel good at all. talked to cay and T. T is most def. coming over friday. well go to the malll maybe movies then my house to catch the new degrassi play sum board games n kick it!

i miss everyone... pep rally tomarrow..... be back whenever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_______________________________________________________________________
-thinking of you again-
*Dashboard Confessional -*- Scraming infedelites*
im missin your bed i never sleep avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak and this bottle of beast is taking me home
cuddling close to blankets and sheets but youre not alone and your not discreet make sure i know whos taking you home
im reading you note over again and theres not a word that i comprehend except when you signed it i will love you always and forever
as for now im gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how youre making out and as for me i wish that i was anywhere with anyone making out
im missin your laugh how did it break and when did your eyes begin to look fake i hope youre as happy as youre pretending
im cuddling close to blankets and sheets and i am alone in my defeat i wish i knew you were safely at home
your hair its everywhere screaming infedelities and taking its wear

-Im.gonna.tear.your.ass.up.like.we.just.got.married.and.you're.all.mine.now-
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: -|*_*_*TheStartingLine*_*_*|-|*_*_*BedroomTalk*_*_*|-
wow i am once again high on pop...coke. i seriously mean like the soda thats no slang name for some drug i'm on. Come to think of it i am workin on like my 10th can of the night. today is preeettttty good and not a complete waste of time.

i came into school with everything i had to say to zach layed out in my mind. then when it came down to actually telling him.. i just couldn't do it. who knows if i am just making a big thing out of nothing. i don't know how he feels and i'm to afraid to ask. all i know is i really miss him. things would be good between us if i hadn't have fell for kyle. damn it. speaking of kyle i found out he's going to the semi. i know who his date is and shes cool so thats okay. as if i actually had a say in it. the only thing that does bother me is he's gonna be there and i will act all weird and ruin everyone's time. hopefully he will like get 24 hour flu or somethin or i wont see him.

lunch came and tawnia was having a bad day and totally spazzed on me. she apologized though so we're cool now. on my way back from lunch i looked into one of the english rooms and kyle was sleepin. he is the most adorable sleeper! haha i'd totally sleep next to that anytime... not to mention with that.

french class- hmmmm i peeled some tape of zach's ass.
health class- sucked as usual.
biology- jimmy kept trying to make me talk to zach and i dont know what to say. the words are on the tip of my tongue but i just cant seem to get them out. then jimmy did it again by the pop machines. then todd tried to help but i think all he did was make us romp while he enjoyed his own sound effects. haha. then i got on the dreaded wagon and listened to the used.

i cleaned my room up after i ate dinner about 5 times. i went over to cays for like an hour. then i ate dinner another 5 times and scrubbed the carpet in here. so now it smells kinda wet and i prolly wont be able to sleep. then i called cay and chatted w\ her for a while. called tdawg and we talked for a cpl. T called me back and we talked for like an hour and i think shes staying over on friday. cool.

cay is supposed to call later if she wants.
5 days til semi!!??? (possibly exited)
___________________________________________________
my song for zach [bike scene - taking back sunday]
ill leave the lights down low so [he] knows i mean business and maybe we could talk this over
cuz i could be your best bet let alone your worst ex let alone your worst...
honestly how could you say those things when you know they dont mean anything? and you know very well that i cant keep my hands to myself
this is all wrong and it shows theres certain thing i promised not to let you know like;
you've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat but your only counting the clock against the train.
im miserable and your just getting started.
lets never talk about this again because i didnt want it to mean that much to me anyway.
i want to hate you so bad but i cant stop this any more than you can